Closet Christian

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I have written this posting so many times in my head. I figured in this season and all that is Christmas was a good time to finally put my thoughts together.... or try to.

Ever have those days where you feel like you are on your knees - like you are knocked down time after time and you just can't recover? warning! this post contains lots of questions. I do. Lots. I catch my breathe just in time for another wham! Sometimes it's the girls' needs and trying to keep up with those. Sometimes it's my own internal preoccupation with something unrelated - a fight with my husband, being tired, overwhelmed with a dirty house, endless piles of laundry, piles of crap everywhere, toys, toys, toys... you get the picture.

Then.... then.... you have those quiet moments. The ones where the house is silent. The girls are sleeping. You can hear yourself think. And you allow yourself to take a moment to absorb it, to feel it, all the way in and breathe. Like a really deep breath.

I had one of those moments the other day. I stood in the kitchen and looked out the back window. I felt Him. I felt Him whisper to me. I felt peace. I let myself feel it and enjoy the moment. I made a cup of tea and took that really deep breathe I have been needing to take for so long. I felt refreshed and ready again.

It was what my soul needed. In this time of scheduling the holidays and trying to keep everyone happy, well rested and safe, I needed to breathe. I needed to remember what this season is about.

I don't often discuss religion with friends. You have to know me pretty well to have that conversation and frankly it will probably only come up if you bring it up. Does this make me less of a Christian? I don't think so. Can I quote scripture? No. I know the Lord's Prayer and The Lord is my Shepherd only because I had to memorize it in the Sunday school as a child . My church attendance is sketchy at best*. Does knowing God and believing in God define me? Yes. I would be lost without him. But yet I am a closet Christian.

But in this moment, does it matter for me? No. What matters is how I live my life and how I portray myself to others. I want to live the way God has intended me to live. Of course, I'm still trying to figure out what that looks like but I try. I try like every other person I know whether they actually admit to knowing God or not. There are moments that each of us know He is there.

My girls are from God. Each time I look at their faces, I smell their sweetness and hear their soft breathing at night, when I nurse Pumpkin and hear her content sounds... those moments are from God. There is no other explanation for the perfection of those moments. No other explanation for the completeness of that and of what being a mom means to me.

I'm going to tell you a story. It's not a nice one but it ends well. My sister and I didn't get along well for years. I didn't like her or who she was. I wanted her to change... no! I wanted her to disappear. I struggled. I was angry. BUT I felt no fault.

Then I had Pumpkin. My girls are 21 months apart. Pumpkin cried most days, all day and soon I did too. I had some breaks but it was endless. I got to a point where I felt like I couldn't do it. My dad helped me on Tuesdays but it wasn't enough. I needed more. He would frequently make off side comments about "I know someone who would love to help... "I knew who he was referring to... I was furious. How could he suggest such a thing? I rejected the idea.

When I think of the love I withheld and the time with my beautiful children I withheld - I am humbled. I see my faults, my anger and the hatred I showed. How simply human I was. How simple the anger, hurt and fear was. Yet how hard it was to let go. Only God could get me to a point where I was on my knees begging for help. Only God could show me my help over and over patiently. Waiting for me to see. And I saw. Thank you God.

How do I ever thank Him? By thanking her. Thank you Auntie Kissy (as Boo calls her). Thank you.


Happy Holidays everyone!

*I feel I should add this disclaimer. Before children we would frequently go to church and even after Boo. We didn't free comfortable leaving her in Sunday school mainly because of separation issues. After Pumpkin we tried to start attending again.... it lasted a month. My husband had the baby in the library so he could listen to the sermon and I dropped off Boo in Sunday School. Boo cried so hard they had to take her out and Pumpkin cried so hard my husband had to leave the library. The end result: we both found each other with screaming children in the courtyard of the church. Not a success, frustrating and we haven't been brave enough to try again.